This Psychological Need is Sabotaging Your Relationships and Success

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Thank you everyone, for your warm response to last week’s article The One Most Important Shift That Will Change Your Life.

It is one of those articles that gave me goosebumps just writing it, because of its deep truth and great potential for transformation, in myself and in all of you out there.

Some of you asked, now what? How to make this shift and where to start?

I would say that you have already started. Awareness is always the first step and I am sure that you are already catching yourself in the moments when you give away your power, either to someone else or to the situation.

This week, we will zoom in to a psychological need that is one of the biggest and most common saboteurs of your relationships and success. This will reinforce what we discussed last week.

It looks innocent, but it's not.

It looks innocent, but it’s not.

I’m talking about the need to be right, or to be in control.

There are subtle differences in being right and being in control. As they are closely related and often come together, I shall group them in the same category here.

How and where does this need show up?

Here are some examples.

Have you ever been in an argument with another person, where both of you stubbornly held on to your pride and to your position, and the discussion was not going anywhere?

Or have you gotten upset with another person because she was doing a task in a different way than you would have liked it to be done?

Or have you found yourself stuck and frustrated when things are not going the way you had planned it to?

I have done that countless times, especially with the people closest to me in my everyday life.

We like to be right, and we like to think that we know how to get from A to B.

Do you remember that, last week, we discussed about this belief “I can not (do/give X) until (Y has happened)”?

Holding on to our need to be right would be to believe that the only ways of solving the problem or making something happen are the linear ways that we already know of.

This keeps us stuck and blinds us to the opportunities that are blinking around us.


What to do instead?

The answer is simple – practise multiple ways of thinking.

Remember that for every situation you face, there are at least 3 ways of approaching it.

There are 3 ways of brushing your teeth, 3 ways of processing your emails, 3 ways of having a meeting, 3 ways of getting someone to say “Yes”… and many more.

In fact, with the clients that I work with, we often come up with 40 ways to get them to where they want!

Some years ago, I was in a seminar by renowned businessman and trainer T. Harv Eker, who is best known for his book Secrets of the Millionaire Mind. In an activity, we all received an uncoloured picture of a wizard, and a black and white crayon each. We were told to colour the wizard, and then to find someone else in the room who had coloured it in exactly the same way as we did.

Guess what? There were a thousand of us in the room, and not a single person found a match. No one!

What does this tell us? If there can be 1000 ways to colour that picture with just 2 colours, imagine the infinite possibilities that you can have with the many ingredients in your life!

It blows the roof off your mind when you start to truly see what this means and what it can do for you.

I’ll give you another personal example.

I had a dream to live and work in Europe, and I had no idea how to get there. I remember the confusion of where to start, and the frustration and dejection of trying to engineer that in reality. I also had a lot of fear within and resistance from my surroundings.

For some reason, I had a very strong belief and motivation that this is going to happen, and that gave me the fuel to keep searching and trying.

I had no money and instead of stopping there, I got another well-paying job and gave myself 6 months to be there while I worked on my dream.

I was miserable there but I bit the bullet and told myself that my dreams are worth it.

I researched online, I considered applying directly to companies in Europe, I considered applying to companies in Singapore with operations in Europe, I spoke to people, I made applications, I didn’t get any replies, I looked for new ways, I spoke to more people. I found one platform and negotiated my way in, through which I made a few more applications and got rejected a few more times.

And then one opportunity came along. It did not look perfectly like what I had envisioned, but it hit many of my criteria and I knew I had to try again. Eventually I got it.

Within 6 months from when I had started working on this, I had my air tickets to Europe.


What results will you see when you make the change?

I am especially particular about the cleanliness and order of our kitchen, and I would get annoyed when things there are placed or cleaned in a different way.

Nowadays, by practising multiple ways of thinking, I see that both my way and others’ way are right. I am more accepting of differences with the people I live with and work with, and I have more peace and joy in my days.

I can assure you that once you make multiple ways of thinking a habit in your life and in your relationships, you will have more peace, more joy, more creativity, more ideas, better relationships and negotiations skills, more miracles, more results and more abundance.

Isn’t it humbling and liberating to know that you don’t need to know it all, right now?

And while you’re at it, thinking of your 3 different ways, have some fun. 😉


In the months of May and June, I am offering one-time discovery sessions for professionals and entrepreneurs who are going through career transitions, for free.

I am here to help you get the clarity and confidence that you need to bring purpose back into your work and your life.

Places are limited and they are going fast. Click on one of these two buttons to book an appointment now!

Meet online     Meet in-person

Here is how others are already benefiting:

“What I like is that Huimin makes suggestions, and still manages to be neutral and compassionate. I now have clarity for the year, know what the priorities are, and how to juggle between my two professional areas.” – Marika Vepsäläinen


“By talking with Huimin in this 1 hour session, I managed to see clearly the priorities of my short-term and long-term plans. Her wise advice dragged me out of my comfort zone and let me initiate the action.” – Hangyu Yin


“What we did was such an excellent idea and perfect thing to do. It now fills my heart with a different kind of softness and joy towards the situation. I can’t believe we achieve all that in just one session!” – Reetta Kuuslaakso

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